waiting for you round the corner
One of my friends is passing through the same most difficult phase of her life that a few unfortunate girls are made to pass through somewhere in the golden decade of their life i.e. their 20’s. I mean the 'dekhna-dikhana' ritual for matrimonial alliances.
Actually, she is just my ‘hi-hello’ friend and I really don’t know details, but the last when I met her, her body language, intermittent silences and searching eyes reminded me of my own distant past but not yet forgotten experience.
Irrespective of what a boy himself is, he wants a complete package as a wife. She should be well educated with perfect ‘vital stats’ and then a matching horoscope!!!!! And even if the above requirements are good enough, they find some reason or the other to say ‘no’ about.
It’s not that I blame the boys only. I have come across incidences when the ‘would-be-grooms’ were on the receiving side.
WHY???? Sometimes I wonder!!!
May be simply because they have a right and they want it to exercise it as long as they can, to avoid making a life altering commitment on the basis of a ‘one hour’ meeting. After all, is not it better to say ‘no’ when you are in doubt, than be sorry for ever!!
Whatever the gender of the recipient is, I pity her/him.
Because such rejections cause a major jerk to the receiver’s self-confidence and self-respect.
And at the risk of being called biased, I would strongly state that they are more difficult for a girl to handle. The society (I admit, though is on a improving trajectory) still requires a girl to attire in her best salwar suit or a borrowed sari and enter a room filled with the army of boy’s relatives and friends, with or without a tray of snacks in her hands, to be interviewed by them on various topics, which may sometimes range from humiliating to irritating.
Coming to my own personal experience of the same......Since then, a lot of water has already passed through the bridge, so i can now safely and un-emotionally indulge in reminiscence.At that time, I was quiet carefree about this activity. I made sure to look back at the boy when he was looking at me instead of playing that coy and shy part, just to ensure the sense of ‘equality’. Besides I had no reason to say no as my parents had already covered my requirement set- he was reasonably good looking, was the only son with one sister ( I wanted to be either the only bahu or the elder bahu and no big joint family) and above all was well educated, so-I was relaxed.
But that relaxation was soon killed by their rejection. I have not yet forgotten that ‘rejection’ though it happened a long way back, eight years to be precise. The pain of humiliation feels like still fresh. When I am not looking good and happen to see in a mirror, I wonder ‘oh this is the reason why he rejected me’ or when I get ready for somewhere or return from somewhere and feel that I received admiring glances, I hope that he should have beenat that 'somewhere' so that he could regret for rejecting me!!!!!
It is not that I had already fallen in love with him that his saying ‘no’ still hurts. It was simply because before that I believed myself to be a good student, daughter, sister and a friend.... basking in the glory of their love, affection and acceptance. And there he was, who found fault in me somewhere, and that too in just an hour. The memories of that one hour shattered my life long faith, belief and trust in me.
There were other reasons for that piercing pain. My parents were somehow so confident of the proposed alliance that for that ‘dekhna’ ritual they invited all their close and distant cousins who happened to be there in the city that day, it almost seemed like an engagement ceremony from our side. And so my humiliation did not remain a family secret but a matter of open discussion and sympathy.
Secondly, just before 'that' I was taking my CA Final First group exams and on the eve of my last paper his mother called me to wish her ‘may-be’ future bahu best of luck. That totally disrupted my mental equilibrium and I spent the rest of that day discussing the future groom with my cousin from whose place I was giving my exams. May be I should be ashamed of using this as an excuse but I failed that last step to complete my CA.
This failure of my mental and academic abilities happened just two months after my failure as a 'prospective would-be' .I had not completely recovered from my ‘physical and cosmetic’ failures!!!! Oh boy!!! that still is one of the the worst times of my life!!!!
well!! now past is past us, let's think about the future in present.
It happened a long time back, but that experience and the flow of the years since then makes me eligible to give a few suggestions to the three communities involved.
First- parents. I know parents never do anything that can harm their child even in their dreams. But in this matter, sometimes they get so blinded by the beauty/eligibility of their offspring that in their inexperience combined with their enthusiasm, they do the same mistake which my parents did. I am not saying it just to add weight to my point, my husband’s cousin has gone through the same ordeal.
Please let it be a secret if possible of the national/international level, till everything goes through smoothly. Tab tak jo bura manna chahta hai use buara manne dijiye, after all it is your daughter’s self confidence that is at stake.
Second- the boy/girl who rejects. Never agree to see a girl/boy if you are not ready for the marriage. Don’t use it as a tool to postpone or quieten your parents’ pressure to marriage. If you need to know more about the proposal, do it beforehand and not later. I really can not preach those who are waiting for that spark to happen in such a short span as an hour,and to check that possibility, meeting is the only option. But at least the photo and the bio-data give some indications, eliminate your sureshot rejections through them and please don’t go further to retreat later.
If completion of a course, grabing a job or moving to a specific city are some of your basic requirement, state them in advance and please don’t use them as a dumb excuse for rejection later. There are more but I don’t know how much is enough to not make you quirky.
Last- the boy/girl who is rejected. If you are the one who is rejected, let me tell you, it was not your fault, it was he/she who did not deserve you. Believe me round the corner there is actually someone who is waiting for you and who is better than this scum who failed to recognize you and appreciate you. Again I am not saying this just for the sake of making a statement, I say this on the strong foundation of first hand experience. You know the second guy whom my parents made me meet and marry eventually was much better qualified and much better sophisticated (along with fulfilling all my other basic requirements). Just to exemplify- the salary which the first guy earned, the second one was paying a similar sum plus more as taxes. So, you never know what’s in store for you. Just continue believing in yourself and…..improvising if possible….
P.S. going by the principal that someone better is waiting for you..sometimes I wonder-should not I have said no to this second guy and waited for the third one. Who knows he might have been leaner, fitter, less practical and more romantic…..but…..
than I console myself....what if he happens to be the end of my road and there were no other corners down the lane!!!!!
Actually, she is just my ‘hi-hello’ friend and I really don’t know details, but the last when I met her, her body language, intermittent silences and searching eyes reminded me of my own distant past but not yet forgotten experience.
Irrespective of what a boy himself is, he wants a complete package as a wife. She should be well educated with perfect ‘vital stats’ and then a matching horoscope!!!!! And even if the above requirements are good enough, they find some reason or the other to say ‘no’ about.
It’s not that I blame the boys only. I have come across incidences when the ‘would-be-grooms’ were on the receiving side.
WHY???? Sometimes I wonder!!!
May be simply because they have a right and they want it to exercise it as long as they can, to avoid making a life altering commitment on the basis of a ‘one hour’ meeting. After all, is not it better to say ‘no’ when you are in doubt, than be sorry for ever!!
Whatever the gender of the recipient is, I pity her/him.
Because such rejections cause a major jerk to the receiver’s self-confidence and self-respect.
And at the risk of being called biased, I would strongly state that they are more difficult for a girl to handle. The society (I admit, though is on a improving trajectory) still requires a girl to attire in her best salwar suit or a borrowed sari and enter a room filled with the army of boy’s relatives and friends, with or without a tray of snacks in her hands, to be interviewed by them on various topics, which may sometimes range from humiliating to irritating.
Coming to my own personal experience of the same......Since then, a lot of water has already passed through the bridge, so i can now safely and un-emotionally indulge in reminiscence.At that time, I was quiet carefree about this activity. I made sure to look back at the boy when he was looking at me instead of playing that coy and shy part, just to ensure the sense of ‘equality’. Besides I had no reason to say no as my parents had already covered my requirement set- he was reasonably good looking, was the only son with one sister ( I wanted to be either the only bahu or the elder bahu and no big joint family) and above all was well educated, so-I was relaxed.
But that relaxation was soon killed by their rejection. I have not yet forgotten that ‘rejection’ though it happened a long way back, eight years to be precise. The pain of humiliation feels like still fresh. When I am not looking good and happen to see in a mirror, I wonder ‘oh this is the reason why he rejected me’ or when I get ready for somewhere or return from somewhere and feel that I received admiring glances, I hope that he should have beenat that 'somewhere' so that he could regret for rejecting me!!!!!
It is not that I had already fallen in love with him that his saying ‘no’ still hurts. It was simply because before that I believed myself to be a good student, daughter, sister and a friend.... basking in the glory of their love, affection and acceptance. And there he was, who found fault in me somewhere, and that too in just an hour. The memories of that one hour shattered my life long faith, belief and trust in me.
There were other reasons for that piercing pain. My parents were somehow so confident of the proposed alliance that for that ‘dekhna’ ritual they invited all their close and distant cousins who happened to be there in the city that day, it almost seemed like an engagement ceremony from our side. And so my humiliation did not remain a family secret but a matter of open discussion and sympathy.
Secondly, just before 'that' I was taking my CA Final First group exams and on the eve of my last paper his mother called me to wish her ‘may-be’ future bahu best of luck. That totally disrupted my mental equilibrium and I spent the rest of that day discussing the future groom with my cousin from whose place I was giving my exams. May be I should be ashamed of using this as an excuse but I failed that last step to complete my CA.
This failure of my mental and academic abilities happened just two months after my failure as a 'prospective would-be' .I had not completely recovered from my ‘physical and cosmetic’ failures!!!! Oh boy!!! that still is one of the the worst times of my life!!!!
well!! now past is past us, let's think about the future in present.
It happened a long time back, but that experience and the flow of the years since then makes me eligible to give a few suggestions to the three communities involved.
First- parents. I know parents never do anything that can harm their child even in their dreams. But in this matter, sometimes they get so blinded by the beauty/eligibility of their offspring that in their inexperience combined with their enthusiasm, they do the same mistake which my parents did. I am not saying it just to add weight to my point, my husband’s cousin has gone through the same ordeal.
Please let it be a secret if possible of the national/international level, till everything goes through smoothly. Tab tak jo bura manna chahta hai use buara manne dijiye, after all it is your daughter’s self confidence that is at stake.
Second- the boy/girl who rejects. Never agree to see a girl/boy if you are not ready for the marriage. Don’t use it as a tool to postpone or quieten your parents’ pressure to marriage. If you need to know more about the proposal, do it beforehand and not later. I really can not preach those who are waiting for that spark to happen in such a short span as an hour,and to check that possibility, meeting is the only option. But at least the photo and the bio-data give some indications, eliminate your sureshot rejections through them and please don’t go further to retreat later.
If completion of a course, grabing a job or moving to a specific city are some of your basic requirement, state them in advance and please don’t use them as a dumb excuse for rejection later. There are more but I don’t know how much is enough to not make you quirky.
Last- the boy/girl who is rejected. If you are the one who is rejected, let me tell you, it was not your fault, it was he/she who did not deserve you. Believe me round the corner there is actually someone who is waiting for you and who is better than this scum who failed to recognize you and appreciate you. Again I am not saying this just for the sake of making a statement, I say this on the strong foundation of first hand experience. You know the second guy whom my parents made me meet and marry eventually was much better qualified and much better sophisticated (along with fulfilling all my other basic requirements). Just to exemplify- the salary which the first guy earned, the second one was paying a similar sum plus more as taxes. So, you never know what’s in store for you. Just continue believing in yourself and…..improvising if possible….
P.S. going by the principal that someone better is waiting for you..sometimes I wonder-should not I have said no to this second guy and waited for the third one. Who knows he might have been leaner, fitter, less practical and more romantic…..but…..
than I console myself....what if he happens to be the end of my road and there were no other corners down the lane!!!!!
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